In the Wilderness

My pastor quoted this a couple of Sunday’s ago …. I furiously wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget it ….

If you can’t read my writing, it says : “You won’t get out of the wilderness until you get out of the wilderness what God wants you to get out of the wilderness.”

That’s where I am… the wilderness… where things are dry and look barren and like there’s no hope of ever getting out.  The only sound you can hear are crickets at night.  And maybe the howl of a coyote.  So yep, I don’t sleep either.  It’s a brutal cycle.  I wonder where God is.  I wonder why He isn’t speaking to me, whether through scripture or prayer.  I try to talk to Him at night in the darkness, hoping He’ll answer, but it feels as though my prayers get no higher than my stupid ceiling fan before they are swooshed back down to me and I CANNOT SLEEP…. DEAR LORD LET.ME.SLEEP!

Then my pastor says those words right to me a couple of Sunday mornings ago.  Yep, it feels as though he were speaking them right to me… and it dawns on me, what the heck DO I need to get out of this wilderness experience?  What lessons do I need to learn.  I pluralize “lessons” cause Lord knows it ain’t just one.  GAH!

So I dig my heels in in even harder.  I grab my go-to books….  “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie OMartian and “Praying the Scriptures for your Teenagers” by Jodie Berndt.  And I get to it.  (Listen friends, there is no shame in the game when you are in a dry and weary land.  Go find a Christian writer or two that is scripture driven and let them pour into you!) I write out (not type, but literally write in a journal) scripture prayers.  I put my girls’ names in the place of he/she/they/them.  I put my husbands name in the ____________ where Stormie leaves us a place to personalize our prayer.  And I spend even MORE time talking to Jesus…. telling Him what I want from what HE says in His love letter to me.

And I tell ya, that’s where I start to see the gray rain clouds waaaaaaaay out on the horizon of this wilderness experience.  Slowly but surely, He is drawing me into a place of living waters in my parched and weary “land” (read: life)  Psalm 63:1 – O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you.  My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water.  This is what He wants from me… to run TO Him, not away from Him.  Not to give up or give in or walk away, which truth be told, would seem to be a lot easier.  

So the journey continues for me.  It ain’t even close to being over.  This I know.  However, delving into scripture and praise & worship music is starting to be life-giving.  I am slowing feeling that He is next to me.  It’s a hard journey.  It’s a rough journey.  It’s a long journey.  But with Him by my side, and at times carrying me over the incredibly rough patches, I will make it though.  And I WILL be a better version of who He is calling me to be!!

If you are in that dry and weary land.  Hang tight my friend.  God’s got this.  You just need to run to Him.  Let Him hold you close.  Let Him wipe your tears.  Let Him soothe your soul. He just needs you to saturate your mind and soul with His words…. Walk that wilderness with confidence.  Because He brought you to the wilderness and you won’t get out of the wilderness until you get out of the wilderness what HE wants you to get out of the wilderness!